So i have this friend( who will probably get upset that i'm writing this) that is a bit like Debbie Downer from SNL, but i love her and she's great.
So, we are shopping in H&M, and I got excited over something cute that i found.
I show it to her, and she flips her jet black hair over her eyes and says in the most sullen voice, "uggghh, i have no will to live"

LOL.

I'm feeling very nostalgic...I miss....I don't know...Sigh...I miss being held and kissed...But it's not right if i was to....It wouldn't feel right for me if i was to...I feel it was the right....in a very bad way. I feel so guilty for it. So so guilty for it. The last thing i would ever want to do is hurt...But it's not right to stay just to avoid hurting you. I miss calling someone at any point through out the day. But it's not right to stay when i miss those actions. It needs to be YOU, and for that i feel guilty. I am trying to accept the way i feel. Not run from it. Realize that i still deserve happiness, still a GOOD person, despite my actions, despite the hurt i inflicted.

Despite what i feel or don't feel now. This i know, i still feel very connected to you. I know that i will probably always be connected to you in some way, because i feel the bond that we share cannot be broken, it will always be there.

Now, after all we've been through, and yet still SO SO young ourselves, I can't keep doing it, at least not now. Not having experienced adulthood and independence together is something that i do not want to miss out on because as luck would have it, we met just as i was barely getting out of my "childhood" stage. But on top of that, i am sorry that what i wanted has changed. What i looked for at 16,17,18 and found to be cute and endearing, is something that i look at completely differently at at 22.

I am way way too sleepy. I have a cold and it is making me very very drowsy and i need to go to bed before my head falls on the keyboard.

I went out yesterday with some friends and i really enjoyed myself. Brunch in soho was great, so delicious and it was beautiful day. The worst part of the day was taking the same exact route me and him used to take. There was one point in the evening, when we were going home, and we were standing next to Petco, waiting to cross the street to walk across the large space left empty by the farmer's market on Union Sq., to walk to the exact same train entrance and wait on the same train platform as me and him used to do almost every weekend for years and years. There was one point where i wanted to stop right in the middle of that big empty space, next to all the kids doing tricks on their skateboards near the curb, and just put my hands to my face and cry. I wanted to cry my eyes out. I didn't. I know, i know, i just need time. Routines change and hopefully i will be able to find new ones.



On a more biological note, i have a cold. I have that horrible sensation of my nose being stuffed and runny at the same time, i hate that. Plus, my body aches so much. I really don't want to go to work sick tomorrow. I'll try and take it easy today and hopefully i will at least look presentable to humans tomorrow.

So my friend and I had an interesting conversation yesterday night. We've lived in bay ridge almost our entire lives and we know so many people here. Walking along 3rd avenue, you almost always run into someone you went to school with, those people know what you looked like when you were young and awkward; or perhaps you still are young and awkward, the stupid things you did and the stupid immature ways you behaved years ago. We came to the conclusion that we want to seperate ourselves from that image and from those people. Not that they are bad people, but it's just not the type of people i want to be around. Seperating ourselves from our past, and experiencing new things, new people is what helps you grow as a person and mature. I don't want to be stuck in bay ridge, in this tiny place where so many people hang out in front of deli's, on street corners, and on benches in front of bagel shops.
Also, i can't believe the way some boys; and they really are that, who are also in their very early 20's act. Why is it that people can't be upfront and completly honest with what they expect and what they want. Why do you have to pretend and "play games" like we all did in high school. It's refreshing when a person knows what they want and tells you what that is.
I don't know what it is about today, but i've been feeling pensive. Going to work keeps my mind off things a little bit at least, but these new weekends where no routine is in place anymore is definitely a shake up. All i need is time now. With time i will fill that missing part of me and become whole again. Yes.

This song by The Bravery is great, i've been listening to it every day this past week.

I had an outfit planned for today. A short flowy black and white skirt with black boots, and a black top. I'm really not feeling it today. I feel more tomboy-ish. So, here is what i came up with. I like it.

Oh yeah, i have tan colored boots on as well. "amazing" haha.


Oh, and i definitely feel like i'm coming down with something. My throat hurts and my nose is a bit runny. Oh well, off to get some Zicam from Rite Aid!

Mmmm blueberry green tea from Trader Joe's is great in the morning. Om nom nom nom.
I am actually surprised at myself, my parents and brother were arguing very loud this morning at 9:30 and woke me up, and i did not get cranky. Usually, i would get really mad and shout a little and then remain unpleasant throughout breakfast, but not today. I just got up out of bed with a very quiet and calm "you guys are really annoying" and went about my morning, remaining pretty chill. Huh. Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf. I really don't want to be quick tempered or easily annoyed. I would like to be more chill. Yes.

So, my plans for today? brunch with the ladies at cafe Orlin (or is it Orvin?). My brother took me there the day after the you know what happened. It's on st. marks and has really good brunch. I'm stoked but i hope to do something at night as well. I really don't want be around bay ridge too much.

I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of DAYS for it to hit and to have the reaction i knew you would have. You have always blamed yourself so hard for everything and anything. But it's not the case at all. I don't blame anyone but my self. The guilt that i hold inside is so much i can barely contain it. I feel so guilty for feeling the way i have been feeling the past few months, and even guiltier for not telling ANYONE about it. I always keep things inside much too longer than any person should. I feel such guilt and only place the blame on my self for losing those feelings, for not being able to see you in the way i saw you months ago, for feeling about you in a completly different way than i used to, and most of all, for not letting you know any of this...you can place all the blame on me.

Huh...okay! I don't really know what to say or write except, huh! life is funny sometimes...It seems very amusing to me right now!

I love how my family is only jewish during the high holidays. All the other days of the year, we don't even acknowledge our religion. I don't mind, really, being religious is not something i aim to be. My point is just this, why even celebrate the high holidays then? For my grandmothers sake i guess, she grew up celebrating such things.

On a more lackluster note, i am at work now, and much can be said about the fact that i am resorting to writing a livejournal entry.

are really not that adorable. I spent time with my 4 year old niece today and we played some games. Yeah she is kind of cute when she says things no one expects her to hear, but she misbehaves and doesn't listen, that's not so cute, more like irritating. She wanted to watch cartoons, so i put on family guy and watched with her. Although the topic of this episode of sex and taking it slow in a relationship was not too appropriate for her age...oh well, she has to learn sometime.

I'm tired and going off to bed now.

Did some pilates this morning and ballet workouts. Today i need to go through some of my clothes and bags and throw a lot of things out. With all the new clothes i bought, i barely have any closet space now, same thing with shoes. I want to throw out some of my flats that i don't wear anymore. I have really liked wearing heels recently, i feel and walk different when i wear heels.
Today my niece is coming to visit from Moscow for a week. I'm trying to decide whether to go to the airport and pick her up, perhaps i will, she's pretty cute and fun.

Here, i am, afraid to be a woman with you, because there's an underlying fear that i can't fill the void inside, i lost and now i'm terrified about all those things. I know in your heart and mine there is loss dear, wake up it's time that i tried to fill it, and it was no surprise, the pain that i felt in your heart. You can lean on me darling, you can lean on my darling, until you're tired.
So, i still look back i can't believe this year was real, and i don't expect to know just how it feels, i was so young, i dealt with it the only way i could, i know in your heart there is loss dear, wake up it's time that i tried,

the pain that i saw in your eyes,

so you can lean on me darling, you can lean on me darling, i know what's in your heart, you can lean on me darling, until u cry,
until i feel what i need to feel inside, you can't be by my side, until i can't hide.

My dad knows. He is perceptive. I am too, i always have been and can read people like a book, i could always understand what it is that they're doing, what the main reason was behind their actions. This has caused me a lot hurt in the past, whether im right or wrong in my interpretations, i still interpret their actions to find out the true reason behind it. I guess this is part of the reason that i isolate people and push them away. I don't like that people hide their true intentions, i don't like when they pretend. I think you should be clear in your intentions, and not play a game of 'im going to say this to make you respond a certain way back to me when in fact i actually feel and think this way'

In my dream, i was pregnant. Only a little bit pregnant though if it makes sense, just a month or two, with a very small belly. I looked it up in a dream dictionary

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

So, i completly forgot my user ID and password for this livejournal and then i just forgot to write posts. Anyways, im back now and have way too much to write, so i'm not even going to bother to write it all. There's been some big changes. I am doing a little bit better tonight. I had a good night. It was my first friday night alone and i was so depressed before. I took a long walk, and wasn't feeling too great on my way back home. I made a spur of the moment decision, something i usually wouldn't have done and it turned out pretty good. So, my friday night was not so bad, i really needed a night like tonight to feel like i will be okay, to feel like there's hope for things to be okay. To be honest with myself and think about what i want in my life and for my life. So, for that, i am grateful.

I'm nervous about monday. My biggest worry is that they would quickly explain what i'm supposed to do and then have me do everything by myself without full training. ::fingers crossed: Here's hoping that everything will go smoothly and that i would be able to pick it up quickly. Now i'm going to the mall with E. and my parents, i need to buy new clothes. Hopefully i'll be able to chill out and enjoy myself.
And hopefully i'll be able to eat some yummy food today because mall food is pretty gross. I saw this amazing recipe today on the food network for homemade gnocchi with grilled vegetables, yummm. I need to learn how to make all this stuff so that i can actually eat it instead of just thinking about eating it.

I'm very happy right now. I'm excited. This is good. This is really good. Maybe this is the direction my life is supposed to take, i don't know. I want to stop thinking ahead so much and focus on right now and just next week. I need to take it one step at a time and just let things happens.

I had a really bad dream tonight. It seemed like it took place in the past, maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I was walking to meet E. and all of a sudden i see him saying good bye to some girl and hugging her and giving her a kiss on the cheek. So i figured he met a friend of his and is now saying good bye. Then, he kisses her right on the mouth. He keeps kissing her, like that, for about a minute in my dream, while i stand behind him watching. Then my dream-heart broke and i dream yelled. The crazy thing was that he was trying to calm me down and explain to me that it was no big deal and that i should get over it. That's when i dream-dumped him. Lol

Whoa, i don't know where that came from. Silly brain.

Started trying on the stuff i bought. Decided to snap some pictures.







I don't know why my hands are like that.

I would say that today was a successful day. I got plenty of things done. I went shopping in soho with my best friend and we walked from union square to canal (my favorite route in the city). I bought a few shirts and a pair of kickass shorts! Also had some thai food at Thai Angel, then back to bay ridge for a manicure and pedicure.
Starting work next week, im kind of excited. Hope it goes well. I can't wait to be working during the week, it sucks being one of the only people you know without a job.


Also, there's no need to be meanspirited in your words, niceness is an underrated quality you know?